Why Most Feedback Fails

Early in my career I learned how to play the feedback game.  

But first, I naively thought feedback was for my advancement. 

So I can do better.

Become stronger. 

And learn important skills. 

But some of the feedback I was given just didn’t sit well with me.  

I didn’t have the opportunity to explain my thinking. 

To ask clarifying questions. 

To choose whether I wanted to take on that feedback or not. 

Sometimes it felt like I had no other option but to accept the feedback.. Otherwise I was going to be considered as “difficult”.  And we all know what that means… 

So I learned to pretend that I took on the feedback.

Do you want me to take that course on giving & receiving feedback?  Cool, done.

Do you want me to send twice as many updates (because you are a new manager and have control issues)? No probs. 

Do you want to hear in our next 1:1 how much your feedback helped me?  Sure. Let’s have fun :)  

Here is the thing: 

Many times, (new) managers give feedback to make THEIR life easier. Not to help their people grow in areas that matter to them. 

They want their people to change their behaviour and output so that:

It’s better aligned with the manager’s way of working 

It’s minimizing the additional work on the manager’s end

It’s lowering the likelihood for the manager having to deal with any difficult people dynamics 

People know when you are on their side or not. When you are, you ask questions like: 

What are your goals in this role? 

How do you think you are performing?

Is this a role you want to succeed in? 

Where do you see gaps in your performance / skills? 

What do you want to focus on? And how can I help with that? 

Would you be open to hear how I would solve this?

Can I give you a piece of advice? 

People treasure good advice. 

But shut down when they hear “feedback”.